Playing the Movie Review Card

Okay, I haven't had much to say lately, so I apologize for keeping all of you in the dark for so long. I've been busy as all Hell. Also...nothing is happening.

Sure, it's a sad time for pedophiles, with the Michael Jackson trial still going on and the death of the Pope, and people seem to care more about the beating of a cop-killer than the fact that he killed a cop, but those topics have been beaten to death and I'm not about to join the rampage, so to speak.

So instead I'd thought I'd review a movie. No, it's not out in theaters and I haven't seen the movies I want to see in the theaters yet. This one is straight to video and stars Steven Seagal. A little treasure* called Into the Sun.

I can't believe it's him either.

It's about a political assassination in Japan committed by the Yakuza, and former special agent Seagal is called in to deal with it. Probably because he speaks Japanese. He's teamed with a rookie agent, who is stationed in Japan but for some reason doesn't speak Japanese. Turns out a branch of the Yakuza is teaming up with the Chinese gangs and killing older loyal Yakuza in order to take over Japan, then from there to the U.S. There's not much to the plot. But I didn't expect much of one to begin with.

Aside from the plot, there's a lot of other problems I had with this movie. First, Seagal spends most of his time talking to people. Yeah okay people talk in movies but this is extra annoying. Because while Seagal is speaking in English most of the time, the people he's talking to are speaking Japanese. It goes back and fourth from English to Japanese for about 5 minutes in most cases. The mix of languages and subtitles is horribly jarring and doesn't flow at all. You'll wonder why Seagal doesn't just...kick someone already.

Second, There are no likeable characters, except one. The characters come off as cardboard cutouts you couldn't care less about, and act very poorly. These include the gruff CIA boss, the love interest, the vengeful son, the loyal daughter that came out of nowhere, and of course, Seagal himself. Seagal's character comes off as a jerk. A BIG JERK. Who only wants to get some ass. The one likeable character, the rookie agent, gets killed about halfway through the movie because of Seagal's JERK-ness.

Third, barely any nudity. Remember Under Siege? The cake scene? Awesome. This movie? A naked chick swimming in a fish tank in the background. That's it. What a bummer.

Finally, and this is the worst part of the movie, the fight scenes. Or lack thereof. Look, the reason you watch a Steven Seagal movie is for the fight scenes, plain and simple. You don't watch it for the drama, or the acting. You watch it for the action. And there is little in this movie. The bad guys get most of the scenes and they're not good. I only remember three fight scenes with Seagal himself in them, when he wasn't blabbing his damn mouth, and even they weren't very good. Seagal himself has slowed down to a crawl. Sure, it gives the illusion of quickness with fast cuts and obscure camera angles, but it all looks sloppy. You sit through several minutes of crap before you get to a fight scene, then you sit through half the movie until you finally get to the next fight scene, which happens to be the last in the film. And what's with the obviously fake blood?!? Last time I checked, blood was red and liquidy, not pink and chunky. The scenes tried too hard to be ultra violent when they knew they couldn't pull it off anyway.

Bottom Line: A Seagal movie that doesn't deliver what you should see in a Seagal movie. A menagerie of bad acting by Japanese-speaking jerks in an explosion of fake blood.


That turned out longer than I expected it to. I wish I spent that much time on something worth talking about. Goddammit.

*By "treasure" I mean "piece of crap."